I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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