do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
