That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
