FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
