I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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