You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
