I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
