hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
