this beer tastes like vomit already
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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