My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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