Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
