If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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