I accidentally had phone sex last night
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
