Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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