mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
