Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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