I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
