I'm so fucking centered right now
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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