I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
