pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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