I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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