I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
