it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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