im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
