i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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