My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
