I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
