It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
