Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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