I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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