i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
