So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
