her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
