I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
