Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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