Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
