well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
