When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
love makes seman taste better
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
