Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
