I just made out with a guy for $7.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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