I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize