She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
