Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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