I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
