The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
