I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
