i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
