Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
