sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
