He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
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Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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