I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
