Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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