i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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