We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
