I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
